Do You Care Too Much What Other People Think of You? Avoid Conflict? Say Yes When You Shouldn't? | Dr. Ingrid Clayton, Fawning Expert

Overview

This episode dives into the concept of fawning, a trauma response where individuals appease or caretake to maintain safety in relationships. Dr. Ingrid Clayton, a clinical psychologist and author, explores the roots, manifestations, and practical steps to unfawn, offering tools for self-awareness, boundary-setting, and healing. The conversation also examines the role of power dynamics, the physiological underpinnings of fawning, and the importance of relational healing.

Notable Quotes

- Fawning is connection as protection. – Dr. Ingrid Clayton, on the survival mechanism behind fawning.

- Wounding happens in relationships, but so does healing. – Dr. Ingrid Clayton, on the relational nature of trauma and recovery.

- If you can't be cheesy, you can't be free. – Dan Harris, on embracing vulnerability and unconventional healing practices.

🧠 What is Fawning?

- Fawning is a trauma response, akin to fight, flight, or freeze, where individuals appease or caretake to reduce relational threats.

- It often stems from unsafe or insecure relationships, particularly in childhood, but can also occur in systemic power dynamics (e.g., patriarchy, racism).

- Chronic fawning can lead to self-abandonment, as individuals prioritize external validation over their own needs.

⚡ The Physiology and Psychology of Fawning

- Fawning combines fight-flight energy (mobilization) with freeze energy (dissociation), creating a complex physiological response.

- This response is unconscious and reflexive, driven by the body’s prioritization of safety.

- Chronic fawning often feels like a personality trait, but it’s deeply conditioned by past experiences and societal expectations.

🛠️ Practical Steps to Unfawn

- Inner Work: Build internal safety by tuning into your body and emotions. Practices like somatic experiencing (SE) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help reconnect with the self.

- Small Steps: Start with low-stakes scenarios, like correcting a waiter or expressing a preference, to practice asserting yourself.

- Boundary-Setting: Use modified boundaries to find a middle ground, such as partially agreeing to a request while maintaining your limits.

- Regulate Your Nervous System: Engage your senses (e.g., noticing sights, sounds) or recall safe, calming memories to ground yourself.

💼 Fawning in the Workplace

- Fawning often manifests as overworking, avoiding conflict, or seeking validation from authority figures.

- To address this, identify the perceived consequences of not fawning and assess whether they are real or exaggerated.

- Practice small acts of self-assertion and seek environments where your full self is valued.

🌱 Healing Through Relationships

- Healing requires both self-validation and relational validation. Being seen and acknowledged by others can be profoundly healing.

- Vulnerability with safe people fosters deeper, more authentic connections.

- Leaders and those in power can create safer spaces by encouraging feedback, rewarding honesty, and flattening hierarchies.