Why You Say Yes When You Shouldn’t — And How To Say No When It Matters Most | Dr. Sunita Sah

Overview

This episode explores the concept of defiance as a skill rather than a personality trait, with Dr. Sunita Sah, a Cornell professor and author of Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes. The conversation delves into the costs of compliance, the five stages of defiance, the role of values in decision-making, and practical tools for saying no when it matters most.

Notable Quotes

- Compliance might be our default, but it’s not our destiny. — Dr. Sunita Sah, on the power of learning defiance.

- Under duress, we don’t rise to the level of our expectations; we fall to the level of our training. — Dr. Sunita Sah, emphasizing the importance of practicing defiance.

- What does a person like me, with these values, do in a situation like this? — Dr. Sunita Sah, on aligning actions with personal values.

🧠 Redefining Defiance

- Dr. Sah redefines defiance as acting in accordance with your values, especially when there’s pressure to do otherwise.

- Traditional views of defiance as rebellious or negative are reframed as proactive and value-driven.

- Compliance, often equated with being good, can lead to resentment, stress, and misalignment with personal integrity.

⚖️ The Costs of Compliance vs. Defiance

- Compliance often comes at the expense of personal values, leading to chronic stress, burnout, and dissatisfaction.

- Defiance, while risky, can reduce stress and foster authenticity.

- Dr. Sah highlights the importance of weighing the costs of compliance alongside the risks of defiance.

🌀 The Five Stages of Defiance

1. Tension: Recognizing physical or emotional discomfort as a signal that something feels wrong.

2. Acknowledgment: Examining the source of the tension and questioning the situation.

3. Vocalization: Expressing discomfort or asking clarifying questions to externalize concerns.

4. Non-Compliance Communication: Clearly stating an intention not to comply.

5. Act of Defiance: Taking action in alignment with personal values, which dissipates the initial tension.

🧭 The Defiance Compass and Values

- Dr. Sah introduces the Defiance Compass, a framework for decision-making:

1. Who am I?: Clarify your core values (e.g., integrity, fairness, compassion).

2. What type of situation is this?: Assess the safety and effectiveness of defiance.

3. What does a person like me do in a situation like this?: Align actions with aspirational values.

- Writing down values can lower stress and improve alignment between beliefs and actions.

🛠️ Making Defiance a Practice

- Anticipate: Reflect on past situations where you regretted compliance and identify patterns.

- Visualize: Imagine future scenarios and script potential responses.

- Practice: Rehearse defiant phrases like, I’m not comfortable with this, or What do you mean by that?

- Repeat: Consistent practice rewires neural pathways, making defiance feel more natural.

- Dr. Sah emphasizes that defiance is a skill anyone can develop, not an innate personality trait.

🏢 Creating Psychological Safety

- Leaders can foster environments where defiance is safe by:

- Encouraging open dialogue and rewarding constructive dissent.

- Acting on feedback to show that speaking up leads to change.

- Modeling defiance themselves to set an example.

- Psychological safety enhances creativity, innovation, and team performance.