How Lying To Yourself (A Little) Can Improve Your Relationships and Make the World Feel Less Insane | Shankar Vedantam

Overview

This episode explores the paradoxical role of self-deception in human life. While traditionally viewed as a harmful delusion, Shankar Vedantam, host of Hidden Brain and author of Useful Delusions: The Power and Paradox of the Self-Deceiving Brain, argues that self-deception can be adaptive, fostering relationships, resilience, and even societal cohesion. The conversation delves into the evolutionary roots of self-deception, its psychological utility, and its potential dangers.

Notable Quotes

- Self-deception can indeed do great harm to us, but paradoxically, it can sometimes do great good for us. – Shankar Vedantam

- To claim anger is yours is a misappropriation of public property. – Dan Harris, reflecting on Buddhist teachings.

- If 4 billion years of evolution has produced a sense of self in my mind, it’s probably there for a reason. – Shankar Vedantam, on the evolutionary function of self.

🧠 The Paradox of Self-Deception

- Shankar Vedantam explains how self-deception, while often harmful, can also serve critical functions, such as helping people navigate crises or maintain optimism.

- The story of the Church of Love illustrates how self-deception provided emotional support to individuals, even saving lives in some cases.

- Evolutionary psychology suggests that self-deception may have been adaptive, allowing humans to filter overwhelming information and focus on survival-relevant tasks.

💔 Self-Deception in Relationships

- Positive illusions about loved ones (e.g., believing your partner is the most beautiful or kind) can strengthen bonds and increase relationship satisfaction.

- However, self-deception can also enable harmful dynamics, such as rationalizing abusive behavior.

- Vedantam highlights the dual-edged nature of self-deception, noting that it can both sustain and harm relationships depending on context.

🧬 Evolutionary Roots of Delusion

- The human brain filters vast amounts of sensory data, processing only a fraction of reality. This delusion allows us to function efficiently.

- Self-deception about mortality (e.g., believing death won’t happen to us) helps humans avoid paralysis and maintain hope.

- Vedantam argues that some biases and errors in perception may still play functional roles today, even if they seem irrational.

🗣️ Navigating Harmful Delusions

- Vedantam emphasizes empathy when addressing others’ delusions, such as vaccine hesitancy or conspiracy theories.

- He suggests asking questions to understand the psychological needs behind a belief rather than confronting it with facts alone.

- Strategies like emphasizing social norms (e.g., most people are vaccinated) or creating a sense of scarcity can nudge people toward healthier behaviors.

🌀 The Illusion of Self

- The discussion touches on Buddhist teachings about the self as an illusion. Dan Harris notes that recognizing this can reduce greed and hatred.

- Vedantam reflects on the Ship of Theseus metaphor, questioning whether the self is a consistent entity or a construct that evolves over time.

- Both agree that while the self may be an illusion, it serves functional purposes, and challenging it requires careful introspection.