Are They Really a Narcissist? Do They Really Have Borderline? Are They Truly Gaslighting You? How To Know. And What To Do When People Weaponize Therapy-Speak Against You. | Isabelle Morley

Overview

This episode dives into the misuse and weaponization of therapy terms in everyday language and relationships. Clinical psychologist and couples therapist Isabelle Morley discusses how terms like gaslighting, narcissist, boundaries, and triggered are often misapplied, leading to confusion and harm. The conversation explores how to correctly understand and use these terms, differentiate between abuse and bad behavior, and navigate relationships with greater clarity and compassion.

Notable Quotes

- Humans are imperfect. Even when they know all the right things to do, they will still let you down, disappoint you, and make mistakes. – Dr. Isabelle Morley

- You don’t tell a narcissist they’re a narcissist and the problem is solved. If you think they’re a narcissist, you change your behavior, your approach, and the closeness of your relationship with them. – Dr. Isabelle Morley

- "The human curse is that we need each other, and other humans are a titanic pain in the *." – Dan Harris

🧠 Misuse and Weaponization of Therapy Speak

- Therapy terms like gaslighting, narcissist, and triggered are often misused to label others or avoid accountability.

- Dr. Morley emphasizes the difference between well-intentioned misuse (e.g., misunderstanding terms) and deliberate weaponization to control or blame others.

- Misusing these terms can harm relationships by creating unnecessary conflict and misunderstanding.

⚠️ Abuse vs. Bad Behavior

- Abuse involves a pattern of behavior aimed at gaining power and control, often without remorse or genuine reconciliation.

- Bad behavior, on the other hand, can occur in healthy relationships during moments of stress or conflict but is followed by genuine repair and accountability.

- Dr. Morley advises looking for patterns, cycles of abuse, and the presence of multiple abusive behaviors to distinguish abuse from isolated bad behavior.

🔍 Diagnosing Narcissism and Other Disorders

- True narcissistic personality disorder is rare, affecting less than 1% of the general population. Most people labeled as narcissists are simply selfish or self-centered.

- Narcissism is characterized by traits like grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, and a pattern of exploiting others.

- Similarly, terms like bipolar and borderline are often misapplied to describe mood swings or strong emotions, but these are clinical diagnoses with specific criteria.

🚦 Red Flags vs. Imperfections

- The term red flag should indicate serious warnings of danger or abuse, not minor annoyances or personality quirks.

- Overuse of red flag creates a hypervigilant culture that makes it harder to form and maintain relationships.

- Dr. Morley encourages giving people room to make mistakes and repair, rather than prematurely labeling them.

🛠️ Practical Relationship Advice

- Focus on your own growth and agency rather than solely diagnosing or blaming others.

- Set clear, enforceable boundaries to protect your well-being, but recognize that you cannot control others' behavior.

- Approach difficult conversations with specificity, vulnerability, and commitment to the relationship.

- If you suspect someone has a clinical issue, address it compassionately and in a calm moment, not during conflict.