The Best Way To Feel Calm (Is to Not Try To Feel Calm)

Overview

This episode explores the nuances of meditation, emphasizing that the goal is not to feel a specific way but to develop a different relationship with whatever arises. Dan Harris answers live questions on topics such as meditating through grief, managing restlessness, and overcoming the pressure to feel calm or achieve perfect focus. Practical techniques and insights are shared to help listeners navigate challenges in their meditation practice.

Notable Quotes

- The not finding is the finding. – Dan Harris, on the illusion of a solid self.

- It's like the difference between drowning and surfing. – Dan Harris, on learning to navigate powerful emotions through meditation.

- Meditation is like this video game where you can only move forward if you don’t want to move forward. – Dan Harris, on the paradox of effort in meditation.

🧠 The Illusion of Self and Non-Duality

- Dan discusses the concept of non-duality, explaining that the self is an illusion and likening it to a river—something we label but is actually a process, not a solid entity.

- This perspective can help individuals see emotions and thoughts as impermanent and impersonal, making them more manageable.

- He references meditation teacher Henry Shukman’s technique of identifying the inner CEO or the part of oneself trying to hold everything together, which can be a powerful exercise in self-awareness.

💔 Meditating Through Grief and Emotional Pain

- For those struggling with grief, like a listener missing her low-contact son, Dan advises against trying to suppress emotions during meditation. Instead, he suggests:

- Using mental noting (e.g., labeling thoughts as thinking or planning) to create distance from rumination.

- Bringing mindfulness to the physical sensations of emotions, such as sadness or loneliness, to better understand their physiological components.

- Viewing meditation as a way to navigate emotions with more ease, akin to surfing rather than drowning.

🌀 The Addiction to Calm and Over-Efforting

- Dan addresses the common misconception that meditation should always lead to calmness. He emphasizes that the goal is to observe and accept whatever arises, not to force a specific emotional state.

- For those over-efforting to achieve focus, he suggests:

- Checking the attitude in the mind to identify hidden agendas or desires.

- Labeling desires (e.g., wanting calm) to reduce their grip.

- Relaxing into the practice and letting concentration emerge naturally rather than through force.

🚶‍♀️ Meditation for Restlessness and ADHD

- For individuals with ADHD or difficulty sitting still, Dan recommends walking meditation as a practical alternative.

- Walk at a slow or moderate pace, focusing on physical sensations like the hardness of the ground or the coolness of the air.

- Use mental noting to stay present (e.g., labeling sensations as hot, cool, or tingling).

- He reassures listeners that meditation doesn’t need to be relaxing to be effective and that restlessness itself can be a valid focus of practice.

⏱ Guided vs. Unguided Meditation and Pushing Limits

- Dan debunks the idea that guided meditations are training wheels, emphasizing their value in delivering wisdom and reinforcing key principles.

- For those considering longer sessions, he advises gentle experimentation, such as extending practice by a few minutes once a week, while avoiding over-optimization or self-criticism.

- He stresses that consistency and sustainability are more important than duration.