Essentials: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in the Short & Long Term | Dr. David Buss

Overview

This episode delves into the science of human mate selection, exploring the evolutionary psychology behind short- and long-term relationships. Dr. David Buss discusses universal traits desired in partners, gender-specific preferences, the role of deception, jealousy, and the darker aspects of mating behavior, such as stalking and the dark triad personality traits.

Notable Quotes

- Jealousy serves as a mate-guarding function, motivating vigilance to preserve the investment in a long-term relationship. – Dr. David Buss, on the evolutionary role of jealousy.

- Women often prioritize a man's resource trajectory—his potential for future success—over his current wealth. – Dr. David Buss, on women's long-term mate preferences.

- The dark triad—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—creates individuals who are often charming but dangerous in the mating context. – Dr. David Buss, on the risks of certain personality traits in relationships.

🧬 Evolutionary Foundations of Mate Selection

- Mate selection is rooted in Darwin's theory of sexual selection, which includes intrasexual competition (same-sex rivalry) and preferential mate choice.

- Women’s mate preferences often shape the competitive behaviors of men, such as striving for status or resource acquisition.

- Universal traits desired in long-term mates include intelligence, kindness, emotional stability, and good health.

👩‍❤️‍👨 Gender-Specific Preferences in Long-Term Mates

- Women prioritize qualities like resource acquisition potential, ambition, and slightly older age due to the higher reproductive costs they bear.

- Men place greater emphasis on physical attractiveness, which signals youth, health, and fertility. Traits like clear skin, symmetrical features, and a low waist-to-hip ratio are particularly valued.

- Age preferences differ significantly: men prefer younger women, while women prefer slightly older men.

💻 Deception and Modern Dating

- Both genders use deception in online dating, such as posting misleading photos or exaggerating shared values.

- Women rely on olfactory and auditory cues in addition to visual ones, while men focus heavily on visual cues.

- Emotional stability, a key trait for long-term relationships, is best assessed in high-stress situations, such as traveling together.

🔥 Jealousy, Mate Value, and Conflict

- Jealousy is an evolved mechanism to guard against infidelity and mate poaching. It can manifest as vigilance (e.g., monitoring behavior) or escalate to violence.

- Mate value discrepancies—where one partner is perceived as out of the other's league—can destabilize relationships and increase the risk of infidelity.

- Intimate partner violence affects 28-30% of married couples in the U.S., often linked to jealousy or mate value imbalances.

🕵️‍♂️ The Dark Side of Mating: Dark Triad and Stalking

- The dark triad (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) is associated with sexual deception, harassment, and coercion. Men high in these traits often pursue short-term mating strategies.

- Stalking, primarily committed by men, is often motivated by attempts to rekindle relationships or sabotage a former partner’s new prospects. It sometimes succeeds in disrupting the victim’s future relationships.