Defining Healthy Masculinity & How to Build It | Terry Real

Overview

This episode explores the evolving definitions of masculinity and the mental health challenges men face today. Therapist Terry Real emphasizes the importance of relational skills—how men can connect with themselves and others to thrive in relationships, work, and community. Practical tools for emotional expression, self-esteem, and building meaningful male friendships are discussed, alongside the societal shifts impacting men’s roles.

Notable Quotes

- What makes a great Mirani is knowing which moment is which. – Terry Real, on balancing fierceness and tenderness in masculinity.

- There is nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better. – Terry Real, on the importance of kindness in self-talk and relationships.

- Relationality is what we’re born for. Gratification is fine, but intimacy is better. – Terry Real, on the deeper fulfillment of connection.

🧠 The Crisis of Masculinity

- Men are grappling with shifting societal roles, leading to confusion about what it means to be a man today.

- Traditional masculinity, rooted in stoicism and invulnerability, is harmful and disconnected from human vulnerability.

- Many men lack close friendships, contributing to loneliness, depression, and a mental health crisis.

- Real highlights the resurgence of regressive masculinity, which celebrates dominance and entitlement, as a misguided response to these challenges.

💬 Emotional Expression & Relational Skills

- Men often struggle with expressing emotions healthily, oscillating between stoicism and emotional dumping.

- Tools for emotional expression include asking for help, negotiating needs, and practicing vulnerability without imposing on others.

- Real emphasizes the importance of connection over feelings alone: What will make us men healthy is connection.

- Relational mindfulness—pausing to regulate emotions before responding—is key to navigating conflicts skillfully.

👥 The Importance of Male Community

- Male friendships are essential for accountability, emotional support, and personal growth.

- Real encourages men to deepen existing friendships by sharing vulnerabilities and seeking relational joy over superficial interactions.

- Men’s groups and retreats, like those inspired by Robert Bly’s work, provide spaces for men to connect and learn relational skills.

- Real warns against communities that reinforce entitlement or negativity, advocating for groups that support relational growth.

🛠️ Tools for Healthy Relationships

- Replace criticism with requests: Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, articulate what you need from your partner.

- Use the feedback wheel for constructive communication:

1. Describe what happened.

2. Share the story you told yourself about it.

3. Express your feelings.

4. Make a clear request for change.

- Practice responsible distance-taking during conflicts by setting boundaries and ensuring a return to connection.

- Cultivate self-esteem by balancing accountability with self-compassion: I’m a good person who behaved badly.

🌱 Raising Relational Boys & Men

- Parents can teach boys relational skills by modeling vulnerability, kindness, and accountability.

- Real advises creating a relationally cherishing subculture around children, emphasizing connection over performance.

- Mentorship from emotionally skilled adults can help young men develop self-esteem and relational competence.

- Real’s anti-harshness campaign underscores the importance of treating oneself and others with loving firmness.