When the Plan Falls Apart: Finding Yourself in Change with Maya Shankar

Overview

Maya Shankar, cognitive scientist and author of The Other Side of Change, discusses the profound impact of unexpected life changes on identity and personal growth. Drawing from her own experiences and those of others, she explores how upheavals can lead to transformation, gratitude, and a deeper understanding of oneself, while also acknowledging the raw and unresolved challenges that often accompany such transitions.

Notable Quotes

- When a big change happens to us, it also leads to profound change within us, which we often forget. – Maya Shankar, on the transformative power of upheaval.

- Place some of your identity and your self-worth in that bucket, and it will always be there for you. Life can't take away that fundamental passion. – Maya Shankar, on anchoring identity to deeper values.

- You have a blessed psychology, my friend. – Maya Shankar, responding to Guy Kawasaki's perspective on gratitude amidst personal challenges.

🎻 From Violin Prodigy to Cognitive Scientist

- Maya shares her journey from being a Juilliard-trained violinist under the mentorship of Itzhak Perlman to facing a career-ending hand injury at 15.

- She reflects on how this loss forced her to reimagine her identity and ultimately led her to cognitive science, public policy, and storytelling.

- Maya emphasizes the importance of anchoring identity not to what you do but to why you do it, allowing for resilience and adaptability in the face of change.

🌪️ The Psychology of Change and Uncertainty

- Maya explains that humans are inherently uncomfortable with uncertainty, often finding it more stressful than guaranteed negative outcomes.

- She highlights the emotional toll of identity loss during upheavals, such as losing a career, health, or relationships.

- Counterintuitively, denial can serve as a short-term coping mechanism, helping individuals process change gradually.

💡 Redefining Identity Through the Why

- Maya introduces the concept of anchoring identity to core motivations rather than specific roles or achievements.

- Examples include a human rights lawyer with long COVID who shifted his advocacy to support long-haulers and a mother redefining how she expresses love despite illness.

- This approach fosters continuity and purpose, even when external circumstances change dramatically.

📖 Stories of Transformation and Gratitude

- Maya shares stories from her book, including Olivia, who developed locked-in syndrome, and Dwayne, a poet who spent nine years in prison. Both found unexpected growth and gratitude despite their hardships.

- She acknowledges that not all change leads to resolution or happiness but argues that it can still offer new perspectives and self-awareness.

- Maya's own journey with unfulfilled dreams of motherhood underscores the complexity and rawness of navigating unresolved change.

🧠 The Role of Self-Examination

- Maya discusses the importance of introspection in reevaluating beliefs, values, and identity during times of upheaval.

- She shares an example of a woman who, after amnesia, reconnected with her indigenous heritage free from past shame, illustrating how change can challenge and reshape long-held narratives.

- While introspection can be challenging, Maya argues it is a powerful tool for growth and understanding.