#935 - Crappy Childhood Fairy - Limerence Explained: Why Do We Get Addicted To People?

Overview

This episode dives deep into the concept of limerence, a state of obsessive infatuation often mistaken for love. Anna Runkle, known as the Crappy Childhood Fairy, explains its psychological roots, emotional dynamics, and practical strategies for overcoming it. The discussion explores how limerence differs from infatuation, its connection to childhood trauma, and its impact on relationships.

Notable Quotes

- Hope is the dope. It's hope. - Anna Runkle, on the addictive nature of limerence.

- If you don't fix your way of dating, who it will work for is the heroin addict. - Anna Runkle, on the importance of structured dating to avoid unhealthy relationships.

- Happiness is what happens when you stop feeling like there's something missing in your life. - Chris Williamson, reflecting on the emotional void driving limerence.

🌟 What is Limerence?

- Limerence is an intense, obsessive infatuation with someone, often unreciprocated or unattainable.

- Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, it goes beyond early love or infatuation, resembling addiction.

- It can manifest as fixation on unavailable people, fictional characters, or even abstract ideals.

- Anna Runkle likens it to heroin addiction, emphasizing its destructive impact on mental health and relationships.

🧠 Psychological Roots and Triggers

- Childhood neglect and trauma, particularly emotional abandonment, are common precursors to limerence.

- Anna Runkle describes it as a survival mechanism: children idealize neglectful parents to cope with rejection.

- Limerence often stems from a craving for validation, connection, and meaning, especially in individuals with attachment wounds.

- Modern factors like online relationships and intermittent reinforcement (e.g., sporadic texts) exacerbate limerence.

💔 Emotional Dynamics and Symptoms

- Limerence is marked by cycles of elation (e.g., receiving attention) and despair (e.g., rejection or distance).

- It creates a pedestalizing effect, where the limerent object is idealized as divine or perfect.

- Anna Runkle explains how limerence hijacks the brain’s reward system, making hope the addictive high.

- Symptoms include obsessive thoughts, social withdrawal, and a distorted sense of reality.

🚪 Breaking Free from Limerence

- Treat limerence like an addiction: cut contact with the limerent object and stop indulging in obsessive thoughts.

- Replace unhealthy patterns with structured dating practices and honest self-reflection.

- Build a support system of friends who redirect focus to present realities.

- Anna Runkle emphasizes the importance of spiritual practices, hobbies, and community to fill the emotional void.

📺 Media and Cultural Influences

- Romanticized depictions of the one in media perpetuate unrealistic expectations and fuel limerence.

- Anna Runkle notes that modern portrayals of relationships are improving, offering more nuanced and realistic dynamics.

- The myth of unattainable love, often glorified in older films, reinforces the pedestalizing effect central to limerence.