‘Modern Love’: How to Stop Asking ‘Are You Mad at Me?’

Overview

This episode explores the pervasive question, Are you mad at me? through the lens of therapist and author Meg Josephson. Drawing from her personal experiences and professional insights, Josephson delves into the roots of people-pleasing, the psychological concept of fawning, and the impact of childhood dynamics on adult relationships. She also reads Erin Brown's poignant Modern Love essay, which examines longing for parental love and the complexities of familial relationships.

Notable Quotes

- My safety comes from pleasing you, and I can't feel regulated until you're regulated. — Meg Josephson, on the fawn response.

- I remember wishing he was all bad so that I could just decide how I feel. — Meg Josephson, on the duality of her father’s behavior.

- Grieving what we don’t have, grieving what will never be, is a type of grief we don’t talk about enough. — Meg Josephson, on unspoken emotional losses.

🧠 Understanding the Are You Mad at Me? Mentality

- Meg Josephson explains how the question stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection and a belief in inherent personal flaws.

- This mindset often manifests as overthinking social interactions, seeking approval, and avoiding conflict.

- Shame, anger, and resentment are common emotions tied to this behavior, but they are often suppressed, leading to burnout and a loss of self-identity.

🦌 The Fawn Response and People-Pleasing

- The fawn response is a survival mechanism where individuals appease perceived threats to maintain safety.

- While useful in certain contexts (e.g., workplace dynamics), chronic fawning can lead to exhaustion, overthinking, and difficulty asserting personal boundaries.

- Josephson shares a personal anecdote about struggling to choose a towel color, symbolizing how deeply ingrained people-pleasing eroded her sense of self.

👨‍👩‍👧 The Impact of Childhood Dynamics

- Josephson recounts growing up in a volatile household, where her father’s rage and her mother’s emotional absence shaped her fear of authority and need to manage others’ emotions.

- The lack of parental accountability and repair after conflicts led her to internalize blame, fostering a belief that she was inherently bad.

- She emphasizes the importance of parental repair after conflict, which can be profoundly healing for children.

💔 Grieving Parental Relationships and Longing for Connection

- Josephson reflects on the grief of longing for the parents she wished she had, a theme echoed in Erin Brown’s essay.

- The essay highlights the envy and yearning for unconditional love witnessed in others’ families, as well as the pain of realizing its absence in one’s own.

- Josephson shares her own experiences of feeling unknown by her parents and the emotional neglect she faced, particularly in her twenties.

🌱 Healing Through Awareness and Compassion

- Healing begins with awareness of survival patterns that no longer serve us, according to Josephson.

- She stresses the importance of allowing oneself to feel anger and grief as part of the healing process.

- Compassion for her parents arose not from excusing their behavior but from understanding the pain that drove it, helping her reach a place of neutrality.